Study Guide for the GRE: Gaudy Rhinoceros Exam

Sometimes I read other people's blogs and think.... oh yeah, I suppose I have one of those too don't I..... Maybe I should write something on it...

Well, wish granted, self.  I suppose this is what I've got.

Tomorrow marks the first step in things I should be doing after that fateful day that happens in late May: post grad. For better or for worse, I'm going to spend 4 hours of my life frittering away at a meaningless test that receives it's authority from the people who created it. ETS, you're a scam and you know it. After the SAT way back when I was pretty convinced that I would not succumb to the pressures of yet another standardized test, but alas, consider me sans moral compass. To be clear, I still do not believe in any bubble answer configuration determining someone's ability to problem solve and write, but humans are pretty slow at figuring out better ways. So cheers to those who find better ways to do that.

For those of you taking the GRE, here is my pre test advice to you:

1) Answer the questions. What are they going to do? Hunt you down if you get them all wrong? Nah, they already got their $160 so they'll leave you alone to cry in peace. No matter the question, there's some chance that your random guess will get you a point. So have at it.

2) Smile. It'll confuse the shit out of the people around you and the proctor. And you, smiling, and watching their reactions will be the only entertainment you get for 4 hours. Enjoy the little things.

3) If you need a motivational boost, write yourself a little note on your scratch paper. And draw a smilie face. It might be the only friendly face in the whole building.

4) Hydrate and look smart. Sometimes looking smart is the best you can do. Pull out that monocle from storage and the spats and dust off that British accent. The educated must look educated.

5) Once the test is over, have a dance party. You've earned it and there's nothing they can do about suppressing your happiness now!  Blow 'em a raspberry and a choice finger and turn up the beats.

Keep in mind that none of this is intended to boost your score or your likely hood of being accepted and/or liked by your choice program. It might make you feel better.

The Road to Roommate

You know that feeling when you finish a fantastic book?
That happened today.

I haven't finished a book that I was so sad to put down in ages. But this morning I got to that point where I would stop to digest a certain line, just to make the last 20 pages last longer. What a great thing. If you haven't read The Road by Cormac Macarthy, do it now. Seriously. Sometimes it's hard to read just because there are a bajillion adjectives and things to think about, but it's honestly one of the greatest books I've read. And I'm an English major, so I get to have a real opinion.

Boom.

OH. And the love of my life, and by that I mean Bethany came to visit today! But actually, she's on campus all week helping with Show Choir Camp, so that's a very winning situation for me. I'm thrilled.

And I'm going to bed.

You've Got Mail: The RomCom Minus the "Rom"

This shall be a blog post entirely dedicated to letter leader board updates! Are you ready?

Inbox this week:
Michelle (I know, seems like I'm always talking to her in some capacity. We Hufflepuffs do that)
Spaulding (2 in a week? Impressive)
Laura
Joe
Hannah
Kate Meade

Needless to say I need to get to writing!

So in total, that leaves:

Spaulding: 3
Michelle: 2
Hannah: 2
Joe: 2
Laura: 1
Ben: 1
Kate: 1

Special shout out to Kate Meade, she has kindly sent me an autographed copy of her book, and I'm stoked to read it. So, weekend task? I think so. I might have to finish my other book first, but I don't think she'll mind too much.

And over all, I feel like I've done pretty well in sending and receiving letters. Out of the 10 people I've sent letters to, I've received letters from 7 (granted, Kate sent the first letter so she was only counted in the received pile).

In addition to all of those things, I should mention that both my mother and my grandmother are good penpals. Grandma has been sending me all kinds of recipes that I have been trying and then posting suitably mouth watering pictures here-blame her not me.

So here's to using up all of my stationary so that I have to buy "interesting" ones from various St. Peter stores. Gonna have to work for it, I've got a lot of it here.

Themed Thursday 3: To Infinity and Beyond

THEMED THURSDAY!!!!!
Theme: Obscure Super power.

Details? What does this mean? Is this something that I already have and I'm just letting the greater population know how truly remarkable my talents are? Or is this something I'm looking to purchase on Ebay in the near future. Or a skill? Or a Chimp? (Scratch that last part)

I do know that cannot fall into the realm of traditional super powers. We're talking things like flying and leaping over tall buildings in a single bound, and wearing spandex-nothing common. And for those of you who think wearing spandex is not a super power of comic book lore (therefore common)--you haven't watched enough people in the mall. Get on that.

And here is my attempt at a stroke of genius. And I'm hoping it's one of those things where I just keep typing and the right ideas come to be as I go.

Usually my course of action for such occasions like this-where I'm desperately trying to brainstorm something in order to win a blog-off is a two step process. 1) Ask friends for input. 2) Just write shit down until something brilliant happens.

The results for step one are as follows:

Mariecus: Lying.... Just kidding!

Ava: Spaghetti noodle monster! You can shoot spaghetti out of your fingers and stuff!
Me: But why?
Ava: So you can always eat spaghetti-duh.
Mariecus: Yeah, and tie people up and shit.

Mariecus: Being annoying.

Thank you panel.

Here are the results of step two. Look mom, no hands!

The most useful power I could possibly possess would be the ability to some how manipulate time. "But that's cheating!" With a freeze ray, I could stop! (See what I did there?) That would give me ample time to get things done, I could sleep, read for fun during the school year, and even extend my 10 minute speeches just a little longer than usual.

But instead, I will settle for my second most useful power, Speedy Reader.  This is a practical tool for many aspects of my life.
Application 1: Lit Finder 2000.  I love speech, I really truly honestly do. But if there's any part of it I would rather just skip, it would be finding lit. I would likely kill to be able to find the right piece the first time. And I would use my powers for good! Think of all the time I'd save in the summer finding lit for other people too! I'm so nice. Sort of. But instead of spending 8 hours reading, searing for one 10 minute cutting (for me? about 600 words), I could find 30 pieces in that time! How miraculous is that? Speed reading to find the good stuff faster. And that way if I could read the entire book in 30 seconds (max) instead of spending all day.

Like this:

EXCEPT FASTER.

This could be useful beyond the world of speech. I mean, I could get my reading for classes done faster too. And who couldn't use that extra time?

So there you have it. The Super Power I wish I had.

Themed Thursday 2: Pants on the Ground

THEMED THURSDAY!!!!

The task this week was to used 500 (ish-I'm an English Major) words to tell the story that begins:

“After class I was sitting in the school bathroom and suddenly, the lights go off.” 

I'm sure Michelle has already finished in true form, so there you have it.

Ready? on your mark, get set, GO.

After class I was sitting in the school bathroom and suddenly, the lights go off. And I’m thinking, ok use problem solving skills, this could mean one of the following things: 1) Moaning Myrtle got crafty and flipped the switch. 2) Someone is going to be awarded the jackass of the day trophy. 3) The power is out due to the torrential storm. 4) My mind powers are working. (not that I was thinking-turn off the lights, but that’s definitely what I was thinking this morning when my mom flipped on the flood lights pointed at my face after my alarm went off. Maybe it’s like some sort of delayed reaction.) (This will require me to also practice seeing into the future…. Poop.)

But the real question is, HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?! Someone/weather gods, literally caught me with my pants around my ankles, and I’m thinking, well, I thought that was a euphemism old men use at Lutheran brunches to make their hunting stories sound adventurous. So now, what do I do? Quite frankly (my dear I don’t give a damn) I am not so familiar with this bathroom. And you know how you usually use the same bathroom around the same time because you naturally develop some sort of pattern to your otherwise chaotic life? Well, I deviated from this pattern and it came back to bite me in the ass.

Maybe I should explain.  There’s a real reason why I’m in the third floor of the library.  And I’m only slightly embarrassed to say that I followed my heart and not my head. Cupid has good aim, and he knows that I’m easily persuaded to do things that look smart, but aren’t. The reason that I came all the way up these stairs is that I found out that the “Plan to be Rich Men of America” meeting goes on here every Thursday. Well, you don’t just chintz on that sort of information, so I put on my smart glasses, a pencil skirt, and a scarf and enough make up to look intellectual, but casual, and curled up on the most prominent study chair reading a work of Russian literature I don’t understand (it was in Russian, ok?). Now this isn’t really an official club on campus, but damn, do they attract the right sorts of men-the kinds I’m interested in. Needless to say, those multiple cups of tea that I brought along with me eventually had to go somewhere other than my bladder.

And that brings you up to speed.

So here are the solutions: 1) play it casual and fumble around in the dark until I find the door, all the while keeping it calm, cool, and collected. 2) Scream for help and hope that one of the most attractive men of the PRMA comes to my rescue. 3) Take a nap (don’t judge me). 4) Draw enough attention to myself so that someone else has a good blog post to write.

Which do you think I actually did?

"And Sheets With Holes in Them...And Regular Sheets"

I'll admit it. I caved. I'm actually playing Pottermore. And if you're not familiar with this advent of my childhood breaching its way back into my daily life, it works like this: children of the 90s and regular children get to play an online computer simulation that gives you inside information about Harry Potter and what JK was thinking at all hours of the day. This, of course, is done through becoming, essentially a HP character-getting a wand, being sorted into houses ex cetera, ex cetera, ex cetera. (Name that musical for 10 points) (Ten points to Ravenclaw!)

But here's the big ticket item. I've told you that I've started playing, now you're intensely curious as to what I have for a wand, and what my house is right? I thought so. Well, my wand is English Oak with a Unicorn core. It means a lot of things ok? Deal with it. And [Drum roll please] "Who has two thumbs and is a Hufflepuff?

I'm a Hufflepuff!"

Surprised? Me too. I figured something more in line with my intense sense of honor and loyalty-Gryffindor. Or my extreme intelligence and love for books-Ravenclaw. Or my competitive edge and keen sense of plotting-Slytherin. My Hufflepuff traits are as follows: I always have the best lines, I make people laugh, and I do character pops?

Yep. That's all I've got.

Well that and this video:

Top notch cinema, really. Hufflepuff is obviously the highlight of the clip, so I'm the life of the party? I have an intense knowledge of random semi-mostly non-hostile magical creatures like house cats? I think house-elves are the shit?

Basically all things that describe me to a T. Good work JK and your magical hat of the sorting, you know me too well.

Literary Theory Takes Revenge on the Capitol

Yup. I turned into that person. I read the entire day. Actually, I should be more specific. I read The Hunger Games all day. The good news? It's over. I finished it. The other good news? I now feel like I have an actual license to mock it. That must be encouraging right? For instance, I have decided to apply my English major to this work for kicks and giggles. Looking at this work through a similar lens as you would for Ayn Rand would be just so very interesting. Or simply comparing the two! Oo  just shivers of joy. Or, for the more creative and spontaneous of you, to think of it not as a simple book about games and warfare and love and all of that, but rather think of it as a porn film. No, seriously. Box office hit if I've ever heard of one.

I'm sorry that's all terribly offensive. So I'll try to redeem some of my classy points by telling you that I have finished season 2 of Downton Abbey. They're British, it makes them far classier than anything we could have futuristically staged in the nooks and crannies of the Rockies. Lesbereal. Whatever scandal falls on the house is really much classier than children being thrown into an arena like a gladiatorial match a la Hannah Montana.

Speaking of Hannah, I wonder if we could actually stage a Hunger Games, but bill it as the best of teen pop. Justin Bieber (Fever in deed....), Hannah Montana, Or they should just make the movie with the people playing themselves in the roles of the other tributes....  We'd have to pick someone really good to be Katniss and Peeta.  I'm voting Britney and Cee Lo, just to shake things up.  And whoever else is particularly annoying this week will have to go too.. That must mean that Rebecca Black is signed up 17 times.

Therefore it will begin on Friday.

Aren't you excited? I can't take all the credit for this idea, Amanda has given me plenty of fodder for discussion over long van rides. This one shall be the first on the docket in the fall.

In other news, made some delicious grilled cheese. I won't lie, my favorite is still the camenbert with spinach and apricot, but this one was pretty good. Here's the recipe for what I made this evening.. but I didn't make the spread with the kale and whatnot (it's enough of a struggle getting my father to eat the avocados...) and instead I added some apricot jam.  I might try some different variations of it, but it was good for the evening. I do know that finding the right brand of mozzarella is crucial. EUROPE! WHY HAVE YOU LEFT ME?!?!?!?!??!!?

Sorry I had to get that out of my system.

On a much happier note, I was notified that I am now the godmother of Rothko, Vanessa's new beta fish. I'm just thrilled. 

Roots and Katniss

Please, notice the title of this post, it'll be useful later.

I caved. I gave in. I quit.

Those are not things you usually hear me say, but I guess it's true in this case. I'm officially reading the Hunger Games. "But Kelsey, why? You're an English major! You should be reading things like Austen, Delillo, and Hawthorne- not that book by Suzanne Collins. How silly of you!" I know. I know. But I've actually caved to peer pressure. And by peer pressure, I include my mother. Yes, my mother. I figured if the book is meant for the 9-15 crowd, and my mother has already read all three, it's about time I at least skimmed them. Though let's be real, I know what happens, I do use the internet and I do have friends. The fact that I have friends that like to talk only makes this problem worse. But with any luck, I'll have all three done before I return to the land of the lakes and I will be back to reading the literary pillars of the world.

I would also like to mention that I am writing this in conjunction with my food baby, procured from my Aunt and Uncle's restaurant.  This is the point where I will shamelessly plug the Gobblers Roost.  My uncle Kent and aunt Kathy do a magnificent job over-feeding the hungry who arrive at the door. I'm pretty sure the cooking thing runs in the family... Genetics are weird like that. (For instance, my father is the only one of his three siblings who has not had his own restaurant for a while. Think about that one.) From the atmosphere in the practical middle of nowhere, to the five-course dinner, to the fact that I get to chit-chat with the family for a few hours makes it all worth it. It's not too often that all of those happen in one place, but Green Springs Missouri, well I'll be! Sure does happen there!

And going out to visit, driving along the dirt roads in between fields and pasture reminds me of my roots a little bit. I've survived in a giant city, and a tiny town this year, strictly rural isn't that far away, and I'm sure I'd love that too. At least for a while. Then we'd have to figure something else out.

So I'll leave you by reminding you how clever the title of this post was. Katniss Roots are edible. DUH.

Ok, I'm done. I've been making "good" jokes all day, and no one laughed at those either.

Summer Accomplishments? What are those?

Oh the accomplishments of the day run rampant and are only really considered accomplishments when you don't have to write them on resumes or have nothing more exceptional to do. Regardless, they make me feel like I've done something other than read, cook, watch hours of television, and knit. Therefore, they are much appreciated and should be listed here in full. Ahem.

I finally, after literally months of self restraint and effective prioritizing, have finished The Help. Yes, yes, I know. "How long could it possibly have taken you? You're an English major, you read all the time." Sort of. I read for class, yes, but my days of reading things for kicks and giggles seems to have dwindled down to spare moments and the free things I can find on the app store. So this little paperback, traveled many miles more than it had pages. Let's face it, I brought it to Europe last August, and finished it the next May? Not exactly the quick read I wanted it to be. Still, I thoroughly enjoyed it and will now permit myself to watch the movie.

I finished 2 (count them 1, 2) knitting projects in the past two days. So to Andrea, I'm shipping your scarf either tomorrow or the following day. I finally managed to find both the right yarn and the right pattern. Huzzah! And (drum roll please) I HAVE FINALLY FINISHED THAT BABY BLANKET!!!! (Cheers and applause, cheers and applause). As many of you know, both of my darling siblings decided that it was a good idea to have children two months apart. As thrilling as this is for them to grow up at the same time, it's absolutely killing my knitting.  When I was home during Christmas break after I got back from abroad, I managed to whip out a scarf and one blanket. But the second blanket (and that previously mentioned scarf for that matter) were sorely hampered by this whole school thing. So for that I'm sorry, and it's all done now! Baby Pete! You will overheat this summer in Texas, but if you ever come up to visit, it'll be nice and toasty! I'm actually kind of surprised my fingers are still functioning. I thought they would fall off from the hours I spent knitting tonight. I'll let you know if I'm typing my blog with my nose in the morning-sometimes gangrene takes a while to really set in.

Past that my mother reconfirmed that I'm kind of blind, but that's what she does for a living, so brava. I asked for a seeing eye dog, that was a no go. All I'm saying is that seeing eye cats are extremely unreliable. When was the last time your seeing eye dog spontaneously chased a mouse? Or climbed a tree and refused to get down even for the nice attractive fireman who showed up out of the kindness of his heart? Or slept for hours and refused to be moved from the lovely couch cushion? Hmm? Oh, your seeing eye dog has never done that? Well, if I employed any one of my cats for that, I'm sure my adventures would be far more entertaining than me completing knitting projects.

But in all reality... Now that I've accomplished most of the things I set out for the summer... I'm probably going to have to begin a "Choose your own adventure" Blog.... I begin a story, set out the options, and you have to pick what happens next.  Who's up for a challenge? Ready to participate? I'll let you think about it for a while, but it's a real possibility with this Blog-off with Michelle (Yeah, this Michelle: Just a Chef's Daughter--Basically check it out... Or be very sad you didn't).

So look at your life, look at your choices. And maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to make some of your own.

How Dare You Play That Song!

40 pages of Italian high Renaissance reading later, I am dying for a decent light, or a super nifty piece of technology that allows me to zoom in on details and appreciate the actual colors. But alas, the rest of this might have to wait until morning.

Speaking of morning (what a snazzy transition), Erica and I had an early one today. We decided that because we were both in photography classes, we would take a trip up a hill to catch dawn shining on the city of Rome.  So 5:15 comes, and I manage to roll myself out of bed, grab breakfast, and putz around facebook until Erica needed to "rise and greet the day" (that's a Kate phrase, incase you didn't recognize it).  So by 6 am we were strolling out the door, cameras in hand, and rubbing sleep from our eyes. Honestly, the last time I think I was up that early was at a speech tournament....  NFA? Anyone? Of course there, we hadn't actually gone to bed, considering we were driving....  details. But we managed to hike all the way up the hill, noticed some of the early morning life of Rome (buses and trams still running and fairly full, vendors getting newspapers, taxis looking at us strangely-the usual). This was actually the hill crowned by the Tempietto and San Pietro in Montorio.  Both of the places were things my Italian High Renaissance class visited on Wednesday.  And although the view of Rome is relatively extensive, there are these things called 'trees' that have a strange tendency to get in the way.  Secondarily, there are similar things called 'shrubs' that we short people have issues seeing over as well. And no, I do not want a shrubbery. NI! Moving on. So we took what pictures we could, walked back to the apartment and promptly went back to sleep.

Zs-ville.

Now for those of you who know me well enough to realize how much I enjoy sleeping will not be shocked to know that we got home at 7, and I slept soundly until 11. The trouble is that I could have slept until about 2 or 3pm without another thought. But alas, I felt some sort of remorse that the rest of my roommates were most assuredly awake by this time. So I dragged my poor sleepy body out of bed for the second time today to investigate what the crew was up to.

By this point, plans were being tossed around discussing an afternoon of shopping. Shopping? But Kelsey always ends up finding the funny things to look at and try one.  And today was no different. I did end up trying on a lovely antiqued gold blazer-but Kate said I looked like Elvis.  Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. I thought it was lovely. We wandered around Rome, me pointing at beautiful things like feathered dresses, and reflective pants, but Erica and Kate didn't like them. For shame. We also managed to eat Chinese food on this little extravaganza.  If you would like a culture shock, please consider the following: Chinese food, in Italy, listening to an accordion player play "La vie en Rose" and "Yesterday" (yes, the Beatles version)(side note, he also played 'That's Amore' which cheapened the entire situation. Really dude? You're going to be 'That' guy, playing 'That' song? Boo. Hiss.), and speaking in English. Enjoy every aspect of that would you? It was beautiful.

We shopped for a while, looking here, looking there. Found that magical grapefruit gelato again, saw the Disney store (This one is for Phil-miss you!!!)

Eventually, we made our way over to the GAP store in Rome. If this isn't on your "to do list" in Rome, you're just not Kate, and otherwise you are perfectly normal. For being a new store there were many confusing aspects, like the return policy. Now I won't go into all of the nitty-gritty details and just suffice to say that while in the Gap, I managed to read the following books while waiting for this little fiasco to go down: The Allure of Women in Hollywood, the Allure of Men in Hollywood (which was significantly worse than the female version, I recognized maybe 4 people in that entire 250 page book), The Fashion of Dogs (not enough real dogs in sweaters pictures. Disappointment), Rebel Style, American Style (this was was an interesting one), and the T-Shirt book.  Consider me well read.

We then made it all the way home, only recognizing this guy I met in my Philosophy class on the tram (awkward encounter: 1), and eventually ate dinner. And that, is a wrap.